It’s been a tough couple of weeks for me! I’ve been wrestling with something that riles me. It’s an issue that always riles me and its substance is really not the issue. What is though is what happens for me when it comes up. I’ve had many years of learning about being curious about feelings. I really get it! It’s actually the only way that gives me a satisfying existence but sometimes in the knee jerk moment of being utterly irritated, I so want to label, blame; and then want to rationalise that the only reason I’m doing it, is that the other person is so damn difficult/selfish/thoughtless/immature…
I really could go on for days. And what is even more alarming, is that my brain tells me how good it would feel to just go for it, ‘let it all fly and you will feel better’. They are the ‘bad’ and you are the ‘victim/unjustly treated/martyr’ and here we go all over again. More judgments and this time indulging my Mother Theresa complex.The truth is, we all get irritated. And no-one we know, including ourselves, is a saint. Sometimes people and/or circumstances aren’t just, kind, thoughtful or caring. This goes for ourselves as well as others. The discomfort this knowledge creates in us culminating in rage, pain or detachment is always our place to go to. The feeling leads us to the real meaning underneath. What changes do we need to make in our relationships? What boundaries haven’t we put in? What lies do we tell ourselves or others, to be seen as a certain type of person – and not our authentic selves? This is our work to do. I get scratched a lot in a certain area of my life. I struggle with it. To be authentic has costs attached to it that challenge my courage some days and yet not being authentic costs me elsewhere. This is what it is to be human – for you and for me. It can be difficult, but resisting the blame game is something I know is useful in getting to know and understand myself and my needs.
I really could go on for days. And what is even more alarming, is that my brain tells me how good it would feel to just go for it, ‘let it all fly and you will feel better’. They are the ‘bad’ and you are the ‘victim/unjustly treated/martyr’ and here we go all over again. More judgments and this time indulging my Mother Theresa complex.The truth is, we all get irritated. And no-one we know, including ourselves, is a saint. Sometimes people and/or circumstances aren’t just, kind, thoughtful or caring. This goes for ourselves as well as others. The discomfort this knowledge creates in us culminating in rage, pain or detachment is always our place to go to. The feeling leads us to the real meaning underneath. What changes do we need to make in our relationships? What boundaries haven’t we put in? What lies do we tell ourselves or others, to be seen as a certain type of person – and not our authentic selves? This is our work to do. I get scratched a lot in a certain area of my life. I struggle with it. To be authentic has costs attached to it that challenge my courage some days and yet not being authentic costs me elsewhere. This is what it is to be human – for you and for me. It can be difficult, but resisting the blame game is something I know is useful in getting to know and understand myself and my needs.
When my behaviour is not congruent with my values it then leaves me sitting very sorely with my uncomfortable feelings and that is why blaming is so much easier and a go-to place when we don’t know better.
Just because we know what is useful, doesn’t mean it is easy. Working on becoming my best self is hard work and denying the traps that are so enticing – and instead doing the work – is the first step toward living an authentic life, toward examining what really is scratching and resisting the urge to blame!
Karina Stell – October, 2015
One way to tease out a plan to deal with a difficult situation or person is to separate the behaviour from the person. Instead of “you” made me feel …. It might be helpful to say/think “that” made me feel.
If we focus on the behaviour/event we can more easily communicate that a behaviour is distressing for us.
When we communicate what bothers us we can ask for consideration. In a respectful relationship the other person(s) will take our feelings and thoughts into consideration.
Such respect makes for a safer relationship.
The catch comes if we use our feelings as a lever to get our own way. As in “I feel strongly about this so … (Often “you should do it my way” is implied). This type of manipulation can undermine trust and generate inconsiderate behaviour from others.
To quote Rilke: “We are both the tormented and the tormentor”. It helps to consider how we are the tormentor in the relationship in order to achieve what we want. This is difficult.
However, to blame is to imply that the “other” has control over us and blame may be about giving the other control over us.
It is easier to be accountable and increase our self awareness in the long run that to give our power away to another through blame.