Where do we go when we are confronted with a different way of being? When we hear a viewpoint that clashes with our own moral compass or our own understanding of what is okay? Do we jump to judgments of ‘rightness’ and ‘wrongness’, feel the need to label others, when what we hear makes us uncomfortable?
I seem to be noticing this to be the case more and more of late. Doing a lot of work in Nonviolent Communication, I ask myself if that is why I notice it more. Perhaps it is. However, it doesn’t change how it seems to be becoming the ‘go to’ place for emotional discomfort for many.
It seems to be often either prompted by political correctness or just a need to demean another viewpoint. Both reasons frighten me, particularly coming from the work that we do. All of us have our own ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and many of us seem to have lost the ability to observe and entertain difference without judging. Just to hear another viewpoint without feeling threatened by the need to embrace it. To be able to ask questions to understand better. Being able to say we notice difference. Or are even perhaps uncomfortable with difference. Just being able to be authentic with respect to our feelings without the fear of being judged or labelled.
Do we have a choice? Well, I decided to take notice of my feelings each time I watched the news or listened to talkback radio to try and distinguish the moment of choice to either label or just feel. Many feelings came up for me. I noticed that all of these feelings allowed for some sort of judgment or label if I chose it, but I just tried to stay with the feeling and what it was really trying to tell me. I noticed each time I had a strong response, I could feel myself confronted with the two paths in front of me. Judgment/labelling and just feeling. It was an amazing experience. Each time, it was my choice where I went with it. So yes, we do have a choice. Every time we do. So why do we choose to label and judge, in place of feeling and exploring the feeling.
Life, and particularly the news, can be very confronting. I often feel afraid when I watch the news. It seems to be a cabaret of assaults on my heart and mind. If I aspired to be a ‘labeller’, there would be plenty of opportunity to fulfil this goal. But labelling frightens me almost as much as the news. The judgment of what is ‘appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate’ for one to feel, is very scary for me. In therapeutic work I see many feelings pop up for my clients. All are welcome. They are just an expression of our humanness.
What I have noticed very distinctly and almost without exception, is when certain popular views of the day arise and I question them, I am often labelled. If I feel I’m afraid by the behaviour of a specific ethnic group, I am now a racist. If I lack understanding on a specific sexual orientation and want to inquire for greater understanding, I’m a phobic of some sort. If I feel there is nothing sweeter than seeing a teacher comfort a child who has fallen over in the playground, then I am somehow naïve and unable to see the danger of abuse. It saddens me that to express a feeling, to want to understand better, prompts others to label.
It has been a pet peeve of mine that we are called in western society to be accepting of almost everything. However, that is only if it seems to fit in with the opinion of the day. Those who hold an unpopular viewpoint are immediately labelled with some disparaging label that seems to eradicate and dismiss the non-popular voice.
Acceptance to me means acceptance. Should we accept everything? No, of course not. We each have our own value system and that is from where our choices spring. But if we are going to advocate acceptance of every person’s choices, we can’t then decide to try and silence those who don’t agree with the popular view by giving them a negative label. We need to hear all voices. Then we choose what we reject and accept. We take responsibility for our own actions and choices and what comes from them. This to me is being a free and functioning adult.
I have come to know, and particularly now as a therapist, that we are all so very different. A lot of the perceived ‘depression’ I witness in some clients is due to their feeling that they cannot express how they really feel because they fear they will be thought less of. How sad this makes me.
It is so very important in my view that we acknowledge our feelings. All feelings. They just are, like the sun is in the sky. There’s no rightness or wrongness about them. We need to be curious about them, what are they teaching us, alerting us to, gifting us with? Sometimes feelings let us know that people pose a danger, threaten our sense of safety, etc. and other feelings, should prompt us to be curious as to why we have been triggered. Taking a moment to examine what that feeling is about. So when I feel a strong emotional response to a person, situation or circumstance, it is my greatest gift to stop and wonder why I’m triggered and avoid the knee jerk of name calling and labelling to run from my feeling. Feelings are our greatest friend. Unfortunately labelling is our way of assuaging our feelings.
As therapists, we are in the business of validating all feelings about the life experiences of our clients. Those we don’t embrace as our own and those we do. A feeling is a feeling is a feeling. Being curious is the path to understanding and growth. These feelings are just part of the human condition. To feel. To sense danger. To be moved by love. To fear what appears dangerous to us. To want to understand. Denied feelings cause problems, exacerbate issues and solve nothing.
To connect with the feeling and resisting the urge to label, allows our feelings to have oxygen. It allows them to do their job, to alert us to something either in ourselves or around us that is sending us a message. For me, this is the gateway to the healing work we endeavor to do. It saddens me when labels and judgments try to stifle that.
Karina Stell – March 2015
