Words are powerful. Therefore, it is vital to understand the essence of the word ‘depression’ otherwise we risk becoming even more ‘depressed’ – simply by choice of words.
“But I feel depressed!!!!!”
As a psychologist, that’s something I hear almost everyday, and I’ve certainly said that to myself in the past. However these days, I don’t really understand what “I feel depressed” means. It certainly seems like a statement that seems heavily loaded and melancholic, but at the same time, it’s vague and numbing. It says everything, and yet says nothing.
What happened to “I feel sad/angry/scared”?
Instead of saying “I feel sad” we often say, “I’m depressed” – and this takes us away from our visceral experience of sadness. “I feel depressed” can become an intellectual fire blanket that extinguishes any feelings that we deem as ‘negative’ or ‘undesirable’. It is just so easy to fall into trap of using intellectual concepts (words) to hide and avoid our true feelings.
‘Depression’ has become a depressing clinical textbook concept – a list of clinical symptoms that need ‘treatment’. However, we forget that the usual symptoms of depression like poor sleep, low mood, no motivation, weight fluctuations, social withdrawal, and a lack of confidence are merely that – they are symptoms. And they may not need any ‘treatment’ at all. They may just be a list of pointers which tell us to change aspects of our lives, rather than a list of ‘things-that-are-wrong’ that need to be fixed.
So, what does ‘depression’ actually mean?
The Oxford Dictionary lists 5 definitions of depression, but for me, the third definition is the most intriguing:
depression
dɪˈprɛʃ(ə)n/
The act of lowering something or pressing something down.
What in fact lies below the aforementioned symptoms of depression is the process of DEPRESSING OUR FEELINGS – the process of pushing our feelings down, of ignoring them, of avoiding them.
In short, depression is avoidance.
It is: Not saying how you really feel; ignoring a gut instinct; imagining things are not as they are; avoiding conflict with loved ones; drinking when you feel empty and sad.
In this sense, everyone alive has ‘depression’. Simply, we often feel ‘uncomfortable’, and then we consciously or unconsciously choose to push or eject or avoid.
But first, why is avoidance so important to recognize?
‘Depressing’ or avoiding our feelings creates a deep sense of isolation and disconnectedness. During the day we feel stifled and numb, and then we lie in bed unable to sleep, since what we ‘depress’ comes back to haunt us. So depression may be viewed as a choking off of essential life processes – a blocking of powerful indicators that change is necessary.
Do you ever wish there was just some medicine to fix your ‘depression’? Well, there are medications that will depress the ‘depression’, but aside from this, all the causative factors remain unchanged and therefore ultimately the tonic is to courageously and compassionately allow your feelings to percolate – to ‘un-depress’.
What does science have to say?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) speaks of a common theme across all diagnostic categories in psychopathology – that people with a formal diagnosis (e.g. depression) all have very similar underlying processes. They all engage in the “avoidance of unwanted private events” – unwanted cognitions (complex thoughts), feelings and sensations.
Additionally, Evolutionary Psychologists across the world have reached consensus that there are only 4-5 universal primary feelings. We are talking about feelings that exist across cultures, which evoke the same physical reactions and muscle movements. These include anger, sadness, joy, fear (and disgust as well as surprise). Possibly, shame and guilt also belong in that list, although many argue that they are secondary feelings – feelings we ‘get taught’ to feel.
‘Depression’ has never been included in this list. So then, how can we say, “I feel depressed”?
Is depression really a choice?
Earlier I wrote about seeing depression as a choice. I still remember that when I first came into contact with the idea that ‘depression’ could be a choice, I was confused and angry. I viscerally recoiled at the time – and now, I watch my clients do exactly the same thing – “How can you say that, do you think I want to be like this?” or “How can you be so insensitive?”
Life is genuinely difficult when we are in the midst of struggles and hardships. We can often get caught up in ‘life is not fair’ type sentiments, and stuck in a frightening place where ‘things happen to me’ and therefore ‘I suffer with depression’. From this position it is very easy to fall into the trap of blaming others and not seeing our role in how we depress our feelings.
Acknowledging our role in our ‘depression’ reduces the disease/illness stereotype that depression often carries. It is no longer meaningful to say “I suffer with depression” when we ‘choose’ to avoid our feelings. Recognizing this dynamic is taking personal responsibility and is the first step in learning how to live more fully and authentically.
So can you really suffer with depression? Is that legitimate?
For me, it’s not a matter of legitimacy. It is a matter of usefulness or workability (the ACT terminology).
Saying “I suffer with depression” implies having been struck by a demon force beyond our control. It solidifies the mistaken belief that there is something ‘wrong’ with you. After all, depression is the process of pushing down your feelings, not just an illness.
No matter how desperate things are, or how stuck you feel, you can always go to your primary feelings. Honesty is scary. However the worst (i.e. BEST) thing that happens is that some salty water might begin to fall from your eyes. That is actually when you start to ‘treat’ your ‘depression’. (Note that I have deliberately used judgemental words ‘worst’ and ‘best’ above. My opening words to this blog spoke of the ubiquitous power of words. How can tears be either worst or best? Who decides? And how might that decision affect your feelings?
When we cry, our tears release a soothing opiate compound. It is like homemade heroin, except it’s good for you, free, and has nothing to do with criminal syndicates or trafficking. Interestingly – once we feel our feelings, we might even start ‘feeling better’, as it is much easier to navigate through our lives without an internal traffic jam.
“But I have a chemical imbalance”
What about the “chemical imbalance” theory? Yes, it may hold some empirical weight but only when viewed from this particular standpoint. But is it really useful to go down that path of reasoning once there are other understandings just as valid??
It is important to understand the implications of claiming your depression to be a chemical imbalance – the last thing anyone wants is to feel cursed by their genetics. Also, it’s not very kind to shove yourself into a cold and clinical diagnostic category. That statement is also defeatist – resigned and pessimistic. It leaves few options or no way out.
The most useful understanding of chemical imbalance is that there are physiological changes which have arisen as a result of dysfunctional living in the face of chronic stress. The ‘treatment’ is not to tackle the chemical imbalance, but to tackle the causes of the chronic stress (if possible) and to tackle the dysfunctional living.
I would even venture to say that sometimes, “I have a chemical imbalance” is in fact using words in order to depress feelings. It can become a way to explain away problems and absolve yourself from having accountability over your destiny.
For the record, I absolutely believe that our neurochemistry and biology play a role in our mood regulation. Medication is very effective in certain cases, and sometimes, it is life saving. Therefore, suddenly ditching your prescribed medication and just ‘feeling’ is clearly not advised without the proper professional guidance.
It is crucial to understand that spending 6 sessions with a professional discussing the symptoms of your depression and your apparently compromised genetics is not going to change your life drastically. Initially it is important, but dare I say, this is the way we use semantics to avoid our true feelings. As a psychologist, I try to be mindful that I don’t fall into the trap of verbiage and semantics because of painful feelings that arise within me as I sit with certain clients.
Nothing comes easily in therapy – healing requires exploring how things really are inside you. Medication will never remove the pain from the past. That can only be achieved from being honest.
But “I’m not coping”
I had a client recently who started off her first sessions with “I’m not coping at all with my husbands death, I’m crying all the time…”
I was so grateful to see her tears, and by the end of her therapy, so was she.
Why?
NOT CRYING (depressing your feelings) = NOT COPING.
CRYING is COPING.
Imagine we were all taught that at birth.
Jonathan Back – June, 2015
